What is Autonomy-Supportive Parenting
Autonomy-supportive parenting is a style of caregiving that emphasizes the nurturing of a child’s ability to make their own choices, be self-reliant, and develop their own values and interests which guide their behaviours.
What might autonomy supportive parenting might actually look like on a day-to-day basis seems to vary according different writers on this topic. Here are some of the common types of behaviours psychologists refer to as “autonomy supportive”
- Efforts to understand a child’s perspective and frame of reference (including as they change as they develop)
- Behaviours which encourage initiative and personal exploration(helping a child do things they care about, want to do and make their life about)
- Asking questions about – and making efforts to understand and help develop – a child’s own opinions and desires and values
- Providing choices wherever possible to children with giving them instructions
- Communication of a meaningful rationale when constraining choices
- Fostering task meaning (helping a child find meaning (or enjoyment) in a task rather than being ‘bribed’ to do it or ‘punished’ for not doing it
- Provision of information about what will happen as a result of behaviours – rather than just providing consequences
- Encouraging children to do age-appropriate self-care activities
- Supporting children to spend time without parents present
How much does Autonomy supportive parenting matter?
There is an extensive body of research which links higher levels of autonomy-supportive parenting with a plethora of positive outcomes for children– including higher well-being, better emotion regulation and better cognitive and educational outcomes, and lower levels with mental/emotional health problems.
In addition, there have some interventions and programs for parents developed with autonomy support uppermost in mind which research has found to be very helpful for families. These programs do things like teach parents to ask more questions and show interest in their children’s opinions, to help parents provide information about benefits of tasks they wanted their children to do rather than just tell them to do it, avoid punitive comments, and coached to help children to set their own goals. In some programs, parents were encouraged to recall experiences when they felt coerced or controlled in order to help them see the need for autonomy support and to try out suggested strategies including taking children’s perspectives, providing empathy, and introducing choice.
It is important to be aware however that there are limitations – like with all parenting/child mental health topics – with this research. For instance, not all studies find the same strong relationship between autonomy support and positive child mental health. Also, all of this research is based on correlational /observational research design which means it is quite possible that the established autonomy supportive parenting-positive child outcome link occurs because of an opposite causal direction: ie that it is children’s higher levels of mental health difficulties which are the cause of lower autonomy supportive behaviours in their parents.
This theory has some credibility to it if one considers that children with more mental health difficulties may have less skill in acting in developmentally appropriate ways – and therefore need more close directing from parents. In fact some longitudinal studies have found that increases in externalizing behaviours in younger children are linked to later reductions in autonomy granting behaviours in parents – suggesting that it might be that parents ‘give up’ being autonomy supportive when their children act in dangerous/difficult or challenging ways.
However, it is important to nevertheless recognise that there is a large body of (even correlational) research linking higher autonomy supportive parenting to better outcomes for children’s well-being, as well as autonomy supportive parenting focused interventions which have led to positive outcomes – which suggests that it is worth us as parents/caregivers considering whether this is something we might be able to focus on in our families.
How to do more autonomy supportive parenting
As always, how we support and parent our children will vary significantly according to what is important to us – and what their needs, temperament, challenges might be. But here are a few ideas which might be helpful.
Before I start, let me emphasise a few things:
a. Of course we know most parents/caregivers are already doing a lot of this with their children.
b. It is essential we acknowledge that increasing autonomy support for kids – is much harder said than done – and this is ESPECIALLY true for parents/caregivers of children with challenges.
c. Don’t read this article thinking that a lack of autonomy support might be the cause of a child’s difficulties – no guilt! There are lots of things that are contribute to challenges and it is important there is no sense of pressure or guilt as we talk about these ideas.
1.Choose a specific action
Trying to be more ‘autonomy supportive’ in general is very hard. Instead, just choose one of the following actions
- Doing more thinking about what life is like from a child’s perspective.
- Recognizing the ways in which our children have changed as they have got older.
- Doing activities to help the children work out what kinds of things they care about and what matters to them – and then helping them do more of those things.
- Asking more questions about a child’s opinions and desires
- Providing more choices – in fact doing this wherever possible for a child
- Providing information about why some things children/young people want are not possible (rather than just I said so)
- Helping children/young people understand why – and what is meaningful about – things they have to do and would rather not
- Providing information about what we think will happen when they do behaviours we don’t think are a good idea.
- Encouraging children to be kind to and look after themselves.
- Helping children to spend time alone or with their peers without us present
2. Think about what these behaviours might actually look like in your house
Even with motivation and good intentions, making real changes to parenting habits can be tricky. You might like to consider some of these ideas:
Picture specific moments.
- Think about a typical day in your household. When and where might these behaviours fit naturally? For example:
- Could you offer more choices at mealtimes?
- Are there times when you could ask more about your child’s opinions—perhaps during car rides, bedtime, or when making weekend plans?
- When your child is frustrated, could you try explaining the reasons behind a boundary rather than just saying no?
Try to think about specific wording.
We are more likely to change behaviours and ways that we talk if we know exactly what words to use. It can be helpful to do this in advance. You might like to get your phone and type out a few phrases. Here are some to consider:
- Instead of: “Just do what I say.”
Another option: “Here’s why this is important… What do you think?” - Instead of: “What homework do you have”
Another option: “Do you have any homework that you feel is important to do tonight” - Instead of: “I think X would be a great career/job for you”
Another option: “What parts of X career do you think would suit you” - Instead of: “You need to eat more healthily”
Try: “I think eating this type of food is important to me because… What do you think?”
Make it easy to remember.
Of course, this is all fine in theory but then life hits! You might like to consider doing something to try to help you remember this in the busy-ness of life. Some families do things like:
- Put a reminder somewhere visible (like a sticky note on the fridge)
- Set a daily phone reminder
- Talk to a parenting partner about trying to stick to some of your new habits (and ask them to help with accountability)
All the best in slowly working towards autonomy supportive parenting in your house.
